Misconceptions and Myths of A Millenial Marriage

 

"Marriage did not make me a romantic, just a cynic."

"Congratulations to the happy couple: ball and chain."

The day was May 21st, 2016, just a little less than a year ago when Kyle and I got married. I am looking forward to our first year anniversary and will undoubtedly disgust you all with the proclamations as well as photographic evidence of our happy union. But before that, let me tell you something about marriage.

Now, now before you tell me, "Nah uh! Age before wisdom" let me just say this in the immortal words of Robin Williams as his character Armand Goldman, "Tough gazungas." I may be a twenty six year old with barely a year of marriage under their belt, but I know a thing or two about marriage in cinematic media that happens to be just plain fucking wrong. For one thing my dear singletons, marriage is not the crux of relationship's success OR failure - marriage is not an #endgoal for everyone and no, just because I got married does not mean that I am #winning either (a whole new blog article to be written). Basically what I am trying to say is that, once I in my naivety before marriage, before commitment, before Kyle, I was very much under the impression that once anyone "got together" particularly in my fandom whether the medium was literature, television, anime, movies or even dare I say, fanfiction, that it was "the end." Quite literally. Generally, we are waiting with baited breath to see the end result, the ships sailing or sinking, resolved or left in shambles to either swell our hearts with satisfaction or clamor to Archive of Our Own or the less popular, Fanfiction.Net to seek a well needed, happy ending. But, let me tell you this. Marriage does not translate to "the end."

My schtick as a singleton was practically a career. I devoured hapless romance novels, rom com movies and television series where the heroine was pining for her crush as hopelessly as I was...or once I started online dating, the protagonist that I cast myself in, was as unsuccessful at succeeding to land opposite of some devilishly witty, charming, hot AF hero to my heartstrings. I can't deny that I enjoyed for a time, the attractiveness of being "the hopelessly single, romantic failure." There's a lot to write there. BUT. It always came back to bite me in the ass. I could tell myself in my best Betty Suarez impression that I was an "attractive, intelligent confident [business] woman" but I was lonely. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely never took being single for granted. I am very pleased that I held out for so long, no boyfriends or dates or kissing or touching or prom dates throughout my childhood all the way up to my sophomore year in college. I can't ignore the memories of trepidation of simultaneously two thoughts:

Number One: That someone I was defective and unloveable, one preceded the other, I was somehow defective therefore unloveable or I was unloveable because I was defective.

And, Number Two being: I was going to lose my personhood, everything that was uniquely me defined somehow by being a Singleton would be lost and I would become some kind of co-dependent monstrosity, a parasite fed on the sickening clingy love that I was bound to be stuck to.

Thankfully...neither was true. Well, not exactly. Fast forward through the episodes I can lump together and title, "The Ones Where Chinny Dated an Asshole" and "The Ones Where Chinny Dated A Variety of Asshats Online Continued," I finally teetered on the brink, that place in life where one was trying not to jump off the cliff called "desperation" and instead logically cope with the very real possibility that being a singleton was not a relationship death sentence and perhaps a full time occupation. After all, it is an occupational hazard: there is ALWAYS a chance we could end up alone and while this is not really the Doomsday that it sounds, TRY to bear with me, I know I'm now the "happy asshole who is married" but hear me out!

Kyle and I met in the early spring of 2015 under the social norms of online dating, specifically OkCupid although we did craft a plausible story with the help of my first married friends, the wonder couple A.S. and A.S. (no really, there are two names and the same initials) that we met at robot camp - a past time that both Kyle and I did in fact share in high school.

One of the unappreciated benefits of living here so I have discovered, is that every coffee shop within a 10 mile radius of the bijillion grade schools is full of kids, and when you work from home like I do...and attempt to put in a good three hour day of productivity...there is nothing like a gaggle of giggling choir brats or foul mouthed nerdlets to remind you, "God bless birth control!" There will not be any small Chinnies anytime soon, let me assure you.

If it was, I wouldn't be here to write this. So here concludes the last identified myth of mine. It has nearly been one year since Kyle and I got married, we are still together and while there has been quite a few moments of consecutive "thick and thin" moments, we're still together through it all. I still see my friends and still go out dancing every now (a whole entry of its own), I still wear whatever I want and am fiercely still as much of myself as I ever am...The biggest difference is now Kyle is with me, day and night and 365 days out of the year. To say that once married that your life ends...is the master narrative of most media created romances who simply run out of steam and just want to see the characters' story lines wrapped up nicely with the exchange of "I dos." I just watched "Bridget Jones' Baby" and I can't think of a better example. We watched our favorite hapless singleton and her hilarity of cringeworthy charades for the past decade which was of course concluded with the idealistic fairy tale ending complete with English countryside and two hunks waiting for her at the end of the aisle with a perfectly well behaved baby boy, no spit up or howling in the church. Yep, and now we can say adieu to anymore "Bridget Jones" media installments because the girl got hitched.

Let me tell you, I may be a singleton no more, but there is a helluva lot more life in this recently dubbed "bad ass bitch" than even I ever thought.

And then of course, we got married which brings me here: there are a few bones I need to pick with the perspective on marriage and the gross misconceptions that are out there.

Myth 1: "You have a fuck ton of sex. All the time. Everywhere."

Ha! Nope. This is largely a subject of televised fantasy but no. Couples do not automatically have a copious amount of coitus every single day now that you are married. This is a case by case basis. Every couple is different and I assure you that for some people this statement is true, but for quite a few of us couples out there, sex is something that does happen but perhaps the frequency is a little farther and few than a "fuck ton." You get home and you're just damned tired of everything. Thinking about what to cook for dinner, remembering you forgot 10/10 things you needed from the grocery store, the dogs crapped on your bed and you are thinking of a witty comeback the next time some egotistical small minded jerk who has a depthless pocketbook chews you out back in 2015 because their precious energy efficient off the grid vehicle will not get its center console with delivery. You climb into bed after putting out the domestic fires of the day...and while enveloped in the arms of your beloved and while you have every intention of doing the dirty...one of you just falls asleep instead. Well...that part of the movies during the "fast forward" to current day with the once happy sex driven couple, is kind of true.

KIND OF.

Myth 2: "You will have kids. That's just what happens." AKA First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Chinny with the Baby Carriage.

My absolute favorite (NOT) discussion. This was not the conversation that ended a friendship (that particular friendship I am thinking of ended for very different reasons) but nonetheless, a former friend insisted that I was going to have children, because as she claimed, "that's what happens when people get married." If I have children, it will not be because I am giving into convention, trying to bolster the human race numbers, fulfill my only case for womanhood, fulfill the expectations that I must become a mother if married, give my parents a grandchild or basically "that's what everybody does." I have done pretty much everything in my power to not get pregnant, this obviously is not something that I just started doing, I was VERY motivated to not become pregnant while dating and thank goodness I never had any close calls with my two former boyfriends or other dates. Just because I am married now, does not mean that I am letting my guard down. While it happens and I certainly have no judgement to any of my members of my family, colleagues, companions, etc, I just do not want to make a judgement call on myself. Logistically, if Kyle and I had an unplanned baby, we could handle it, but that does not mean I want to. Maybe it's because I am adopted, maybe it's because the reason for my conception is known to me and because I was given up strictly because I was a XX chromosome carrier and biologically female...whether it be a small impact or sole impact, I am outspoken when it comes to the subject of children. I have told anyone willing to listen and Kyle many a time that I refuse to even entertain the idea of children within our marriage until I have a fool proof thesis statement that can pass the "so what?" test.

Myth 3: The Romance Dies.

The romance does not die. Believe me the butterflies do settle and yes there is not the same kind of below the belt explosion after you've seen your partner a bijillion times naked or on the john. But it does not mean that you're not attracted to them or that they are perceived as being un-sexy. Granted I have my issues with my body and my security is questionable, in no way has my desire been quelled for Kyle. But romance evolves from being fluttery, explosive and raw into something matured but not tempered. Romance is not a wild horse been broken. Romance isn't an dog that has passed its Canine Good Citizenship test. NO. Romance answers to no one and its name is only known to those parties involved. Love doesn't just die because the chase is over. Marriage doesn't kill the butterflies. Honestly, I didn't get my breath taken away or feel my heart beat faster. Courtship in the animal kingdom is as varied and weird as any fauna documented on PBS Nature. I certainly don't burn red like I used to, but the fire is not forgotten. There is no feeling of intimacy that marriage can possibly squash. It just evolves into something different. I am happy knowing that Kyle is someone who is the Steadfast Tin Soldier, no obstacle or obstruction in our lives, no matter how we are run off course, we will find ourselves through every experience.

Myth 4: Well, that's it folks! That's all there is, there isn't anymore!

If it was, I wouldn't be here to write this. So here concludes the last identified myth of mine. It has nearly been one year since Kyle and I got married, we are still together and while there has been quite a few moments of consecutive "thick and thin" moments, we're still together through it all. I still see my friends and still go out dancing every now (a whole entry of its own), I still wear whatever I want and am fiercely still as much of myself as I ever am...The biggest difference is now Kyle is with me, day and night and 365 days out of the year. To say that once married that your life ends...is the master narrative of most media created romances who simply run out of steam and just want to see the characters' story lines wrapped up nicely with the exchange of "I dos." I just watched "Bridget Jones' Baby" and I can't think of a better example. We watched our favorite hapless singleton and her hilarity of cringeworthy charades for the past decade which was of course concluded with the idealistic fairy tale ending complete with English countryside and two hunks waiting for her at the end of the aisle with a perfectly well behaved baby boy, no spit up or howling in the church. Yep, and now we can say adieu to anymore "Bridget Jones" media installments because the girl got hitched.

Let me tell you, I may be a singleton no more, but there is a helluva lot more life in this recently dubbed "bad ass bitch" than even I ever thought.