Dear Me, This is What I Learned From Dating! #septseries
Advice From A Graduate From Millennial Dating, Class 2015
 |
| Bachelor #345...Come on down! |
*Disclaimer* These observations reflect the exclusive experience, opinion and perspective of Miss Chinny. I am only speaking on behalf of myself and no other party. These are exclusively my opinions and views based on personal experience.
1. "Everybody Lies."
Thanks to the Peer Health Exchange, I was only too aware of the importance of never, ever assuming that talking over the course of days or weeks; meeting in person over the course of days or weeks with positive; or even having a glowing connection was no evidence that I knew this person from Adam. The fact of the matter is the people we meet online are no different than meeting a person in person whom we have just met. They are strangers. We don't know them. Nothing what they say is fact until proven otherwise. I tried to remind myself to take everything that was said with a grain of salt, because no matter how stupid or sensible or how convincing the person appeared. I did my best not to rush the vetting process erring on the cautious side; take it seriously, take it slow.
If you're thinking of having sex, get tested. GET TESTED FIRST. BOTH OF YOU.
It is strongly recommended that a person should be tested for STIs/STDs including HIV/AIDS every YEAR (if you are in a monogamous, committed relationship) OR EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU CHANGE A PARTNER - BEFORE AND AFTER.
Why do you ask?
Because: EVERYBODY LIES.
Take a leaf from Dr. House's book and from me: EVERYBODY LIES. I'm not talking about just getting someone's verbal confirmation, "Yeah I've never had STDs or STIs" "I've always used condoms" "Yeah I always get tested." No, they are just SAYING that. You want paperwork, you want physical results stamped with the official signature and sign off from a medical professional/doctor/hospital. An email will not suffice because those can be faked. You want total confirmation that he was properly and officially tested. Better yet: go together to get tested (date idea!)
No you are not overstepping. No you are not being ridiculous. No you are not "weird" or "demanding."
If they are putting you down, if they are resisting, if they are questioning you, if they are refusing...then do not engage and SWIPE AWAY.
Why? Because they clearly don't care about your sexual health & safety and worse yet, they don't care about theirs either. STIs/STDs are on the rise, there have been numerous reports of an uptick in disease because of the attitude that "What don't you trust me?" or "I'll never get that, that won't happen to me." Honey, I don't trust you. Why should I? I don't know you and why do you trust me? You don't know me either. What I do know is quite obvious: you want to fuck me. That isn't exactly the best character reference.
Bottom line, is you want someone who is as concerned about their health & safety as much as yours - that is respect and care. If they don't care about their health, could they possibly care about yours? No, probably not. And that is a very dangerous mindset.
Friends guffawed at me for all the visits to the clinic, but I was doing everything in my power to be safe: birth control, regular check ups and STI/STD testing. I can attest to giving quite a bit of blood and urine in my days, but it was worth it.
--> Sex Health Fact: some STIs/STDs can be virtually undetectable until an outbreak occurs and only then testing exists to confirm that you HAVE contracted the disease. Examples can include HIV and HSV I & II (otherwise known as "Herpes.") <--
But take this as a lesson folks. You can do everything right, demanding tests from partners and refusing to seal the deal until they got tested HOWEVER there is still NO guarantee that you will be 100% safe.
Why?
Because, EVERYBODY LIES.
2. Embrace your BITCH, Be the BITCH, You are the BITCH
I never wanted to let anyone or anything make me feel ashamed of what I wanted and what I needed. I think a huge misconception that friends of mine have had is that, because I react strongly or get disappointed with them is not because I want all of my friends to have monogamous-leads-to-committed-marriage type relationships. Uh...nope. Sorry if I gave you that impression, I really am, but I absolutely support what you want for yourself. So long is everyone involved is healthy, happy and consented - who am I to judge?
If you want the whole nine yards with marriage and babies everywhere, then I fully support you. If you want to gorge your seemingly insatiable sexual appetite and leave a string of lovers pining for you, then I fully support you. What you want, is what I will support so long as you are honest with yourself. Where I get disappointed? When you aren't honest with yourself. And then do everything to sabotage your goals and then I get frustrated because I'm left thinking, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!! I WILL SUPPORT YOU BUT IT HELPS IF YOU ARE HONEST!!!"
You should never ever let anyone make you feel ashamed of what you want.
I have had men get really snarky with me when they ask me what I am looking for and I honestly replied, "I'm hoping to date and get serious with someone and eventually settle down." Many, many guys have snorted with contempt saying things like,
"Why? That's so limiting and boring."
"Can I still call you? You're so fucking hot."
"(laughs) Do you honestly still believe in marriage?"
While I was dating though, guys tried to subvert my narrative by playing all kinds of undercutting, self sabotaging games with me to essentially make me attached to him while he manipulated me into doing things or having a relationship with him that was exclusively satisfying for him (he was in control) and kept me fearfully scared that he would leave me if I didn't act like I didn't mind if he didn't communicate openly or regularly, if he talked me into having all the benefits of a relationship WITHOUT a title and didn't do any emotional labor for me when the time called for it.
No, I'm a BITCH. I'm BEING IN TOTAL CONTROL of [HERSELF]. I should be the one calling the shots, it's my life and livelihood after all. Whatever you want and whatever you need, these should be respected and should be met. If they try to manipulate their way out of giving you either, get out. Kick them to the curb. Do not let them disrespect you, because you are worthy. You deserve nothing less. Never allow anyone to lower your self respect. Never.
3. Compartmentalization
One of the biggest revelations of my adult life was when I discovered I was capable of "compartmentalizing." This is an "ability" is like being a Parseltongue, however this is not as rare or uncommon, it is often considered a masculine quality. I would say it is not masculine as no trait is ever binary, it does take a certain type of person just as not all Slytherins are evil. It is not possible for everyone and I don't recommend trying it unless you find the right person and the right circumstances.
With the right person (the right person is key), I found I could literally shake hands with a "contractual" lover and disappear into the daylight on Market Street without a second thought. I had once been told by an ex-friend who I lost all respect for when she said, "I love one night stands. It's like a hotel room. You can do whatever you want and then check out anonymously the next day."
Uh, #sorrynotsorry but no. People are people. People should be treated with dignity and respect. My body is not to be wrecked or rented.
For me, compartmentalizing has more to do with the agreement that attachment or commitment was not on the table WHILE maintaining mutual respect as the acknowledgement of boundaries. For me, compartmentalizing was like a protection spell, it was a preventative measure to avoid becoming emotionally vulnerable or to be hurt by a temporary relationship arrangement. The best way to describe compartmenalizing is the song "How to Be a Heartbreaker" by Marina and the Diamonds.
In order to win at this "game," you have to be ahead of the curve. You have to be okay with never falling with someone because you accepted to the deal of "I can give you everything except a relationship." You have to be discreet and teeter on the edge of that Occam's razor, give a little but not too much, because you never want to be entirely vulnerable with this person because they are only temporary. The "relationship" is a mere illusion.
Under extraordinary circumstances, I found that one guy. I will call him Spyder. Spyder was everything a person could dream for when engaging in a temporary arrangement. It was perfect, because it was safe, consensual and contractual. We talked openly about what boundaries we had and the nature of what this relationship would be. He turned out to be a good friend even after I found Professor Pepper, warning me that he should not be trusted and was not good enough for me...Spyder was very right. I am happy to say that Spyder found love in the end and is happy - we don't talk. He taught me how to protect myself and for that I am grateful. Everything Marina said was true. If you want to have fun, one must learn to be the first to run and adhere to rule number two, don't get attached to someone you could lose and most importantly, do whatever it will take to make sure that heart of yours won't break.
The latter is a bitter pill to swallow: guys will fuck you but they won't give a fuck about you.
Take care of yourself.
4. Don't Be Afraid to Be Unapologetically Yourself
While dating, I grew uncomfortably familiar with the confrontation of men who engaged in "negging" in a pathetic attempt to break down my self confidence. As IT describes, to salt the meat before devouring; to make an easier target and better prey out of me. While I was dating online, I was heavier than I had been in college and had lopped off my long hair in a definitive "fuck you" to my ex who had loudly criticized short haired women as "unattractive." I distinctly remember the onslaught of inquiries as to why I cut my hair after I had included images of myself with long hair and my new pixie cut:
"WHAT! Why did you cut your hair?"
"You look better with long hair."
"I like having something to hold onto."
But I was just starting my transformation...
I wore whatever I wore to work: business casual and light make up. It was not only convenient, but seemed the most socially acceptable way to conduct a date: why wouldn't you look your best on a date? Still, after getting a few more burns under my belt, I decided I needed to go into full damage control mode. Now I was two boyfriends into my relationship career, both had ended disastrously and I had everything to lose now. I had disavowed any suggestion that I would steel myself to anyone and be so distrusting of potential dates that I would drive them away. I had been hurt before, but I knew not everyone was out to get me and I knew that I wanted to always stand above those who would stoop to such lows, I wanted to be stronger than that and more compassionate. But, I also knew that I was not going to give myself away for free. I wanted a lifelong mate and this person had to be worthy of me. I wasn't going to hide the worst parts of me, the imperfections that Shrub loved to rail on about to try to cut me down. Because if this person was going to love me, he would love me in my ridiculous, imperfect entirety because after all I was only human. AND this guy was going to work damn hard to prove that dating him was worth giving up being single or. As reward and only then, I would beautify myself and let this person see me in my best clothes, my best styled hair, my best makeup and jewelry. From then on, I treated dates as nothing more than meet ups. I wasn't interviewing or trying to make a playful exchange. I had no expectations and simply went as myself. I wore whatever I wanted and made no strides or effort to dress up for these strangers.
Some were taken aback, some were offended. But their feelings were not of my concern. They were merely strangers and we were definitely just going to pass like ships in the night. I stopped caring about what these people thought of me, they weren't going to be permanent installations in my life after all. If they were just infatuated with the fantasy they erected from just reading my profile and looking at my pictures, I didn't care to know them at all. They weren't the ones. I wasn't going to waste my time or exude my emotional labor on them. I cringe when friends tell me, "But what if I hurt their feelings?" and watch the panic overtake them. I am not being cruel or uncaring, I am being real. The thing is these people don't know you and you do not owe them anything but being courteous and sending them a quick, civil message of rejection. I've crafted many, many such text messages for friends. I was guilty of that too. But by the time I had found the Mister, I wasn't going to worry what he thought of me. If it was to be, it would be. But I was no longer going to play games, I was just going to exist and see if he liked me for who I was. If he didn't like me as a I was, there wasn't any point in deluding ourselves - I love me, so he better love me too.
And if they doesn't, do not despair. Kick them to the curb and keep going. Time is of the essence, don't let them waste it.
5. Never Settle
I have recently become dragged into the fascination of Game of Thrones and taken numerous Buzzfeed quizzes to determine where my alliances lie and what House I might be sorted into...hands down, I know I am a Stark and only because of their coveted sigil, the noble and the loyal Direwolf. Loyalty is something above all else I have always admired, coveted and upheld. It was written into my profile with great prominence, because it is loyalty that I can best reward my partner, my family and my friends. If I carried a little banner to represent myself, there would be without a doubt a dog on it. There was no question that I was loyal to the Shrub even if he was unworthy, but with all his shortcomings and imperfections before he showed himself to be as petty and pathetic as he was a selfish son of a bitch. But, regardless of how I felt and what I valued, the Shrub manipulated into believing that I was never going to find anyone better than him as I was so unloveable, I should feel lucky he even wanted to be with me despite all my faults and flaws.
I deserved better and so do all of you who have had bad relationships or maybe are on the cusp of discovering perhaps your past relationship or current one is not a healthy one. The fact of the matter is, that I was loyal to a fault, I was loyal to my detriment. This was not only true of my romantic relationships but my platonic friendships as well. I held onto people longer than I should have. I deserved someone who didn't make me feel that they were entitled to my body, to my time, to my full attention, because I was inherently a screw up but that they were willing to even stand me in all my "failings" as a human being or simply as a "bad' woman. The Shrub was not even a keen tactician, but none of these abusers have to be. They already have our love if not our loyalty and that is enough to destroy us. Love can be a weapon here, which will be influenced by the insecurities we fall prey to. By the time I started dating after the Shrub, I almost burst into tears by the most low levels of kindness I was shown because I had been denied so much.
Over time I learned I deserved more than just human decency, I deserved everything I was denied. I deserved someone to drive hundreds of miles to see me, I deserved chicken soup at the drop of a hat when I was sick, I deserved someone who would agree to adopt a child with me and someone who would never question my ambition or drive in anything I wanted to do professionally or personally. I overlooked now the mere feeble attempts of kindness that guys extended to me. No longer would I be fazed by the fancy dinners they tried to impress me with or the gregarious attention they paid me - anybody could do that. I wanted what I knew I deserved and I knew whoever that person was, was going to have to show me better than what any fool could do for me. Anyone could buy me dinner or take me on vacations or give me financial advice. But not just anyone was going to love me and I mean really love the true me.
Never settle for someone who is giving you an iota less than what you deserve because there it is always more terrifying to be stuck being with someone mediocre than to be single.
6. Burn That Shit to the Ground
The worst possible mistake I ever made was trying to be:
A) friends with my exes
B) keep in touch with my exes.
The best advice I ever got after my first breakup was, "Burn that shit to the ground."
I didn't understand her at the time, but now I have come to fully embrace it. It sounds like the scariest fucking shit whenever someone tells you that after a break up, because for some of us the very last thing you want to do is be separated from this person you were in love with, because the end of the relationship is already hard enough and now you're telling me to essentially: never ever ever ever talk to them ever again.
But you have to do it. You absolutely have to. Get rid of all of the things they gave you. Delete them permanently from every digital source imaginable: phone numbers, email addresses, social media profiles - deletion isn't enough, block them too. I remember hearing those words and could not do it. How could I? I was plagued with "what ifs." What if he needs to contact me about something? What if he changes his mind? What if, what if, what if....
No.
Sitting here, I wish could I take my 22-year old by the shoulders and give myself a really good shake and say, "No. NO. You broke up for a reason. He was a selfish, abusive fucker - who gives a rat's ass about 'what if'? You broke up a reason and the reason was: it was not working. Let fate do the rest. You do not need him as a friend, you already have friends. You do not need closure, that's a nicety not a necessity."
I didn't need to know what he was doing, what he was thinking, what he was dating...None of that information could possibly help me in the healing process and obviously seriously set me back from any progress I had made. I wish I had been able to understand at the time what my friend's sage advice meant and the consequences that would befall me when I stayed in contact or reached out to my exes.
It was never pretty.
The feelings, the fight, the hurt - everything resurfaced. It was very ugly and it was entirely avoidable. I know how I felt at the time. I was in ruins. I was devastated. I had been rejected and it was absolutely not my fault, but at the time I was determined to get "closure" and was entirely certain it was the only way to move on. I didn't realize how I was just delaying the inevitable. In order to move on, in order to get "closure", we needed to be apart, we needed to not speak. Silence was the final nail in the coffin. Silence is the final prayer. Silence is the solace that breakups need. Utter and total deletion and blockage to safeguard and protect the healing process. I really wish preaching the idea of "closure" was destroyed, this is really something that should not be expected or sought after. Relationship end. I don't know why they do, but they do for a reason and sometimes that reason is simply, "It was never going to be. They weren't going to be your endgame. And is sadly the end of this story."
Talking to them, both the Shrub and Professor Pepper did nothing but force me to re-live my grief, my anguish and my suffering. There are so many detrimental effects that remaining in touch with an ex that I only realize now and am quick to caution my friends to take into consideration the consequences.
Dragging the ex along is kryptonite in any future relationship.
Put yourself in this perspective: if you wouldn't date a person who is involved with their ex...then why would they date you if you are involved with yours? It is not fair to the new party involved to have your ex in the picture. Nobody should be competing with the past for a future and it can only lead to fights, misunderstandings and inevitable jealousy. An ex is called an ex for a reason. Bringing an ex along or bring them up way too frequently in a new relationship or even outside the context of a relationship means that it still bothers you (or them) and while it is not necessarily a negative thing, it does realistically mean you ought to address that BEFORE dating again.
Cutting yourself off from your past is easier said than done and no the cut is never going to be clean. It is a process and there are a lot of loose ends, but you just have burn those ends so that nothing grows back. You have to accept there are always going to be questions that do not have answers, but rest assured that time is the biggest healing factor and you can't live in the past, because if you do you will never have a future. I am so incredibly glad that I let go of the past, I let go of never being the person that the Shrub or Professor Pepper were going to commit to and THANK GOD. I didn't want to be that girl and I genuinely feel sorry for whoever is with them now. I am in a much better place and I am who I am.
7. Two Halves Don't Make a Whole...You Don't "Complete" Me
PLEASE #boybye.
Probably one of the biggest mistakes made in relationships is the saying "I'm looking for my other half" and "you complete me." Both really needs to be unpacked if not destroyed. What became a semi-over arching theme in my relationships is I began to be resented by my partners for the very coveted assets that they initially dated me for. Ironic isn't it? To be hated for the qualities that they valued? Yep makes perfect sense. So how does this relate to the latter? Well, it should come as no surprise that Hollywood has really fucked with our expectations and understanding for "normalcy" in relationships. A reoccurring theme in romance whether it be music, movies, television or literature is the search for a person that "completes" or makes you feel "whole." The problem with this is that this relationship is then framed as though there is something wrong with you or lacking in you that is not made whole or complete UNTIL you find THAT ONE person who is meant to unlock your full potential or make you an entire person.
Umm....can we talk about how fucked up that is?
It does explain a lot though. Until I found my first boyfriend and then later when I was being pinged regularly for dates, I did believe that there was something wrong with me. I watched many close friends through their relationships and not so secretly wondered when it was going to happen to me...when was SOMEONE going to appear and be smitten with me (who wasn't inherently creepy). But when it finally did happen and I was dating the Shrub, suddenly the degradation and comparisons started happening. He started attacking my lack of "ambition" in my career (I would like to mention I was in the middle of fucking college when he pulled this shit on me), my weight or essentially why couldn't I be like the "other girls" for one demeaning reason or another. He wanted me to be more like him and in a turn of atypical misogyny, actually asked me like a real life Henry Higgins, "Why can't a woman be more like a man?"
The thing is. There was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing lacking in me. That was not the reason I had no found dates or gotten into a relationship. It was me. Deep down, I knew that even though I wondered when it would happen, the larger part of me did not want it to happen. I controlled my own destiny and shit happen. When the Shrub appeared and wanted to date me, I agreed to it and consented to start my first relationship. At the time, I was totally ready, but weeks, months and years before...I wasn't. I was a fully complete human being and a relationship was not going to fix me, it was not going to make me whole or fill in the pieces of myself that were not missing. Relationships made me learn more about who I already was and reinforce what I already knew I was looking for.
A relationship is like a pair of feet. You are a right or you are a left. The two of you are similar and compliment one another. The two of you can move forward together. Unlike the Shrub who wanted either two rights or two lefts, essentially a relationship that was a carbon copy of himself (because obviously he was a "god") in order to move forward you need a left and a right. If you have two lefts or two rights, you can't go anywhere. You need similarities in a relationship that transcend hobbies and tastes in music or movies, you need similarities like the same moral compass, the same political alignments and the same life goals (children, no children, marriage, no marriage, etc). The healthy and happy relationship I was ultimately looking for was found once I realized I needed to find another person who was as secure and complete as I was, but naturally even in our relationship, the Mister and I are still working to progress in our marriage which is a totally different beast than dating.
8. "Luck Favors the Prepared"
I forgot exactly when it happened, but sometime once I discovered on campus that there was a free health supply center, I started visiting the minute I needed contraceptives. By this time, the Shrub and I were dating, but we were long distance and even still, I started hoarding supplies (within reason). Freshman and Sophomore year of college I had become a Peer Health Educator which basically meant I subjected myself voluntarily to training sessions on campus to prepare myself to go into low income, at-risk youth high schools and middle schools to teach health curriculum. It was the most challenging, but one of the most rewarding experiences I have ever had. I actually learned as much as those kids did about sexual health.
Full confession here, I used to categorize my contraceptives in a little manila envelope in my college desk drawer by expiration date. My partners and friends found my particular strategy amusing which perhaps was a kinder way of saying "neurotic" BUT, it worked. Annndd so did probably the most socially awkward issue: telling a parent. It was honestly mortifying breaking down the barrier, but as my mom said, "I think we need to dismantle and destroy the taboo that children and parents don't have open conversations together about sex."
I had her support and access to proper resources. We whisked ourselves to the doctor who probably took me for an idiot when I asked blatantly obvious questions, but hey! I was the Peer Health Educator who needed real schooling. So blushing hard through all of my need-to-know questions, I walked away having fully embarrassed myself in front of my mom AND doctor, but now had a birth control method and plan.
I have zero regrets.
Now, not everyone has the privilege of having access to any of these things: an understanding parent, a doctor or birth control, but I highly recommend at least getting yourself on BC and more importantly prior to having sex with your partner HAVING that conversation. Despite everything the Shrub put me through, I am very VERY glad we talked about the whole shebang (pun intended) and made a very clear cut plan that was comfortable for us both. For that alone, I am grateful.
In the immortal of words of Edna Mode, "Luck favors the prepared." It certainly paid off.
9. What is Love?
Heartbreak makes you realize that love is real. Strange and horrifying isn't it? You can hate on Peter Jackson's "The Hobbit" trilogy but SPOILERS Tauriel an elf warrior is mourning the death of Kili a dwarf prince who died while trying to defend her in battle. Tauriel's feelings for Kili are confirmed in the third installment and she is disowned from her clan as a result, however the king of the elves, Thrandruil has a change of heart when he witnesses her mourning over Kili's body and this is when she says, "If this is love, I do not want it. Why does it hurt so much?" Thandruil who has lost his beloved wife to war before the birth of his son Legolas, tells her sadly, "Because it was real." This slayed me. Whether you like the books or the movies or do not, this was ON POINT.
I often wondered why love, why heartbreak hurts so much. I was never affected by the men I dated after the Shrub including Professor Pepper. Simply, I didn't love any of them. But the Shrub...I did and that was why it hurt so much. I finally cared about someone more than I did myself and when I lost him, I realized how much I had cared for our nonexistent relationship. It was not so much him that I missed, but the lack of healthy, happy and loyal partner I had been denied for three years.
In my pursuit and passion for understanding what love is, I was long fascinated another film whose explanation went on to confuse and confound me for years to come. There is a quote from the movie and novel "Captain Corelli's Mandolin" which if you haven't seen it or read it, is a love story from WWII set in Greece during the Italian occupation of the islands. It was when I saw this movie that I was awestruck by a quote that will forever haunt me in the most beautiful, most profound way for its clarity and truth regarding the very difficult concept of love:
"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No - don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves were are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn't sound very exciting, does it? But it is!"I recently have come to understand what it meant. Dating the Mister was exhilarating. In the beginning, we had nothing but nonstop fun and had no obligations except to think of one another, be with one another and enjoy one another. We knew nothing of the trials and tribulations to come in marriage. We had no yet had fights about sex, finances or children. We were just enthralled in each other's bodies, exploring one another's minds and simply just, happy. But, now, passion does not have its chokehold on us and things have cooled or subsided as Pelagia's father, Dr. Iannis explains to her. I used to think love was in the mating. As ridiculous as that might be. The frequency, the regularity, the existence of it in a relationship determined whether or not love was there at all. I was silly enough to forget the mantra I had realized much earlier which is: sex is not love, love is not sex. Anyone can be in love, anyone can have sex. But to have love transcend sex is something that as a culture we don't understand and/or value enough - that sex can be absent from relationships or from desire but love and affection and intimacy can still be wanted. Now that we are married, being in love is burning and the temporary madness has subsided leaving us with the reality of issues that include exactly what my mom had warned me of: sex, money and children. But here we are, a year later and will soon be going on a second.
Sex is not the highest definition or expression of love, but with that said, sex should not be devalued or dismissed.
Which leads me to the next point learned...
10. Sex is Not Love, Love is Not Sex
Sex is not love. Love is not sex. They do not always go hand in hand.
In my marriage, I know that being in love has "burned away" so to speak. We are no longer honeymooners and are in the midst of the first hard, real brutal year of reality in marriage. What is left over? The loyalty. The dedication. The frustration. It is not easy now and there will be hard times to come, but even with the temporary drudgery of bad times, I know in what is "left over" and "burned away" it is real love.
Two horrible boyfriends later and plenty of fuckers later, I learned intimacy does not mean sex has to be involved. Sex had such a high value back in the early days and now has evolved without losing its importance however it is not overemphasized as it was in my youth. I am not expected to perform and my worth, my value is not linked to how often I engage with my partner. I am often made to feel inferior to other couples who have bragged to me about the frequency of their copulation which I admit made me feel greatly uncomfortable BUT, whose reality is my reality? The reality is that being in love has burned away and now love exists in the meals made that we share together, holding hands in comfortable silence and the days when I'm not working nights, trying to cuddle while not to strangling each other with my CPAP machine tubes.
With all that said, sex is very important. I am of the opinion that sex should never be the defining factor in establishing a relationship, but it is important to have mutual physical intimacy to whatever degree you as a couple are comfortable and happy with. The first time does not have to be with someone you love, but the person should respect you and should care about your personal satisfaction and safety. The first time and virginity is not something should be seen as a marker of personal success or something that you should get rid of. I agree that virginity and being chaste should not to be destroyed, because c'mon...patriarchy inflated that shit. And I'm not the last person to toot that horn because in more ways than one, I did not wear white to my wedding. But I can tell you this...your first time is important and it should be at least with an honorable human being that you trust and you feel safe with. There should be mutual respect between the two of you. It should be an experience that you should be able to enjoy without "buyer's remorse" so to speak.
Blaire's right, it is a big deal to some of us.
---
I know this was a loooooongggg ass read, but I hope it was at the very, very least entertaining.
Remember always to forgive and be gentle with yourself.
Until next time!
A big thank you to anyone who reads my blog.
Comments
Post a Comment