When Your Friend Gets Back With Their Ex (Again) #septseries
This is a Perspective From Your Concerned Friend
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| Is it though? IS IT? |
Disclaimer: Art imitates life. I am a writer and I write what I know. As part of trying to have a positive outlook on life, I am try to find humor in everything.
Here is the scenario people: You are a very protective, very concerned, very cynical friend. You have a friend who is always in love and always jumping heart-over-head into relationships - we all do. You have witnesses them going from one bad relationship and another. Shivers go down your spine whenever you hear the words, "I met someone! And don't worry their totally different this time!" Because you've heard this before....and before...and before...But worse yet! You find out that it's THE INFAMOUS EX.
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| "I'm the witch/You're the world" |
Here is the scenario people: You are a very protective, very concerned, very cynical friend. You have a friend who is always in love and always jumping heart-over-head into relationships - we all do. You have witnesses them going from one bad relationship and another. Shivers go down your spine whenever you hear the words, "I met someone! And don't worry their totally different this time!" Because you've heard this before....and before...and before...But worse yet! You find out that it's THE INFAMOUS EX.
That's right, they are BACK TOGETHER. I repeat BACK TOGETHER. You are devastated. You know how wrong they are for your friend. You know that they broke up the first time for a reason. You know that no good can come from this.
You've been there. I've been there. We've all been there.
1. "OMG GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!"
You are minding your own business, acting casual when you get a ping from a dear friend you haven't heard from (uncharacteristically) for a while. You know that they have had their ups and downs in their love life and you have carried them through the worse of times, but finally have reached a level of confidence that they are happy now. Though you have your suspicions as to why they are so quiet you just hope that their horrible ex is not back in their life. But then they reach out to you with uncontainable excitement and you think that it's a new date with a new person (finally!), but then you hear the words,
"Sooooooo I know what you'll think, but _____'s back and I've been talking with _____ and they apologized and it's going to be different this time and so we're BACK TOGETHER!"
"Sooooooo I know what you'll think, but _____'s back and I've been talking with _____ and they apologized and it's going to be different this time and so we're BACK TOGETHER!"
Your Friend:
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| THIS IS IT! WE'RE BACK TOGETHER! |
You:
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| FUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKK |
2. Operation Reconnaissance
You try your very best to stay calm. You are struggling to say anything, anything positive. You try not to let your friend onto the fact you're losing your mind over here. You are dying to scream YES I AM DISAPPOINTED but you do your best to keep it together even though this is the umpteenth time you have told them, "THIS IS A BAD IDEA." You let them gush on and on about how everything is going to better this time and how their ex apologized and said "it will never happen again" and "I miss you, I need you" all while looking up all of their social media profiles for any clues as to how long this travesty has been going on. The game is afoot and you're ready to play detective. Every move the ex makes, you'll know about it. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
Your Friend:
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| This is love! |
You:
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| #damnstraight |
3. The Inevitable Confrontation
You know it's coming. You know you shouldn't, but you should. You're very frustrated but you are very, very worried. The gushing just won't stop and so does that really bad feeling in your stomach. One night, one on one, you still flip flop about if you should say something, because you worry knowing how much you know your friend and how much they like this person. Your friend inadvertently decides for you when they ask, "What do you think?" You hesitate but decide that objectively your gut feeling is more important, because your friend is more important. You go for it. As you fear, it does not go well. Your friend is disappointed and defensive. Your friend is upset and wants you as a friend to support them. You try to reassure your friend that you are demonstrating your support by voicing your concern. You try your best, but the conversation is at a stale mate and you just concede saying, "You'll do you." You are imploding internally.
You know it's coming. You know you shouldn't, but you should. You're very frustrated but you are very, very worried. The gushing just won't stop and so does that really bad feeling in your stomach. One night, one on one, you still flip flop about if you should say something, because you worry knowing how much you know your friend and how much they like this person. Your friend inadvertently decides for you when they ask, "What do you think?" You hesitate but decide that objectively your gut feeling is more important, because your friend is more important. You go for it. As you fear, it does not go well. Your friend is disappointed and defensive. Your friend is upset and wants you as a friend to support them. You try to reassure your friend that you are demonstrating your support by voicing your concern. You try your best, but the conversation is at a stale mate and you just concede saying, "You'll do you." You are imploding internally.
Your Friend:
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| You don't understand! |
You:
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| SO WHY BOTHER? Because I love you (BUT I'm dying over here)... |
4. So...We Meet Again
You and your friend know that you uncompromisingly do not like their former ex now Significant Other, but your friend is really eager to prove that this time is really "it." You may not have even really gotten to know this infamous ex SO, but you practically know every intimate and dirty detail from your smitten friend. However, you also know exactly why they broke up/didn't work out the first time and the second time and suspect this may be a three for three. But you need to support your friend so you begrudgingly agree to meet their SO and go out on a double date. Your friend is over the moon and determined to prove that you are wrong, there is nothing to worry. The showmanship is painful as you witness the two really trying to show that they are 100% for real this time. You are less than amused. The SO and you square off, you are polite but bitingly cold and the SO is pompously confident that they either do not take notice or delight in how uncomfortable you are. You really just want to shut the door on this love disaster.
Your Friend:
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| Love is an open door! |
You:
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| No. Just no. |
5. Trouble in Paradise
After enduring very painful hang outs, time goes by. Your friend and you still hang out and you still talk, but admittedly you don't see or hear from them frequently. But when do you, you notice some very subtle tells that are concerning to you. You notice things, just little things at first. Your friend is starting to retreat into the same pattern of sporadic communication. You finally get the chance to hang out alone, one on one and despite the tension before, you have resolved to be a supportive friend while maintaining that you absolutely care about them. To be polite, but also because you want to check in about their blossoming new relationship with their off-on SO, you ask, "So how are things going?" Your friend dismissively responds and when you try a little harder, your friend enthusiastically responds reassuring you that everything is going swimmingly or just fades into complete radio silence. This squirmy behavior now provokes your long term underlying suspicions.
Your Friend:
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| Nonono! Everything is fiiiinnneee! |
You:
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| Something is rotten in Denmark. |
6. The First Dead Butterfly
Out of the blue, you get a ping. "Are you free? Can we talk?" You fly into action. You're available, you're ready and you're very worried. Your friend confesses they are really upset. You listen attentively and with genuine concern while your friend regales a tale of woe - you are completely and utterly not surprised by the sudden turn of events. Exes are exes for a reason. Your friend is very disappointed and distraught, because they were convinced that things would be "different" this time, but inevitably an incident has happened that has caused a ripple in the fairytale. It is as clear as day that old issues are becoming new issues, new issues are becoming old issues. You are ready to flay your friend's SO, but instead you focus on comforting your friend all while you prepare for battle...
Your Friend:
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| I don't know what went wrong... |
You:
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| "I am fire...I am...DEATH!" (actual footage of me heading towards your ex) |
7. The Intervention
Your friend knows now that they have confessed their SO/former ex is up to no good (per usual)...you are in full battle mode. It is time for the intervention and you are the Anti-Ex. You sit your friend down and tell them with absolute confidence, "You need to break up." "You need to kick them to the curb." "This is not working." You remind them that despite the light hearted moments that have transpired over the long, drawn out relationship needs to be put six feet under, because no matter how much hope they have the same thing just keeps happening...and happening...and happening. You tell them that things are broken for a reason and that the relationship was doomed from the start. You tell them that you know that they were trying, but sometimes people are just not meant to be together and it does not matter how much work is put into it, it just is not meant to be. You tell them that they deserve more and they should not be begging or settling for just a few good moments out of a year of misery. You brace yourself for the rebuttal.
Your Friend:
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| I WILL NOT LET GO! |
You:
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| ARE. YOU. SERIOUS? |
You can how everything is falling apart for your friend and the time for the inevitable break up for the bizillionth time has come, but your friend is retreating into total denial. No matter the evidence presented to them, they resist listening to you as well as their own gut and even other friends of theirs who all say the same thing, "You need to break up." Your friend tries to back-peddle from the incident that triggered the major fall out as well as other red flags that they continue to try to ignore. They want to give the relationship a chance and firmly believe that their SO needs to be forgiven. Your friend tries to persuade you that this is "only a one time thing" and that they truly are "happy together." They also try to convince you that it "isn't a big deal" and that this is just a momentary rough patch, they also try to say that the SO "didn't mean it" and "promised not to do [it] again." You aren't buying it or falling for any one of these tactics. You never liked their SO and never will, and besides, you can see through all of the BS. You know this shit just got real, you are waiting for your friend to catch up.
Your Friend:
You:
9. Break Up 3.0+
You get another call out of the blue. This time, it is game over. Your friend's relationship has suffered a vicious and fiery demise whether they like it or not, now your friend is back at square one again. The cycle has come full circle and now the SO is an ex again. You tell your friend that they need to burn this shit to the ground for good, but your friend cannot bear to delete or block them. You know very well that the "end" may not be in sight and one day the ex could be back. But you'll always be watching. Your friend is now going through the seven stages of grief. You comfort them through the initial shock and disappointment. You counsel them when your friend prompts you. You try to emphasize that your friend needs to time to heal and also to reflect. You tell them that you will always be there and that all of their friends will too. You are relieved that this is finally over and your friend can start the long road to healing. You know that this may very well may just be another part of the cycle and that one day it could all be repeated again, but it is a risk you are willing to take for momentary peace for your friend.
Your Friend:
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| But WHY? |
You:
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| We bitches gotta stick together. |
Naturally, most of your conversations between you and your friend revolve around what could have possibly gone wrong "this time." Although you are fully aware of what went wrong in the first place, second place and now third place, you just try to listen and see what your friend thinks. Still in denial and defensive, your friend tries to blame themselves or insist that this was just a simple misunderstanding or mistake, clearly hoping for another chance for redemption and believes success is still out there. You are very blunt with your friend, because you care and it deeply hurts you that they still do not see that the only thing that they are guilty of is hope. Your friend admits that they do not take advice and deep down they know that there are things that they should have done. You refrain from commenting and opt to just smile and nod. You continue to emphasize that you will always be there for them, but your friend really just has to realistically understand what is happy and what is healthy for them. You do hope that maybe they have learned something this time. You have been through all of this before and hope that this time your friend has broken the cycle.
Your Friend:
You:
After a lot of productive shit talks, soul crushing karaoke, Pokemon Go excursions, girl trips, and dancing...your friend has finally mastered every stage of grief. Now that your friend is checking out of the Heartbreak Hotel, the two of you able to rejoice in your friend's newfound confidence. Your friend insists that they are over their ex and leaving it behind them. Your friend declares to be happy being single and unbothered. You are glad to hear it, but always keep a healthy dose of skepticism as your friend still shows signs of carrying the torch for their former SO. You try not to think about the future, you are relieved, but fully exhausted from the whole affair. You feel like you are finally able to breathe again and gladly hang up your professional Date-Hater gear and Worry-Wart uniform.
Oh, the things you do for friendship.
Your Friend:
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| The lady doth protest too much, methinks... |
You:
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| Do you know how I suffer?! |
This was a purely cathartic exercise. As a writer, one of the lessons you learn in studying English and Creative Writing you learn to "write what you know." I truly empathize with anyone who is going through this and hope that you can relate, share a laugh and simply nod your head going, "Exactly." I have been identified as a "realist" as opposed to an "optimist" or a "pessimist." I agree with this deduction. I am a realist. I am that person, that friend who will err on the cautious side and often think about the consequences. I am first and foremost your friend and in no way obligated or conditioned to be your SO's friend. I'm loyal to you, not to them. There's a reason I'm your friend.
I have been on both sides of this conflict, being the "your friend" and "the friend." When I dated the Shrub there came many, many times when we broke up and then got back together. It was always the wrong decision, but I freely made my choice and lived with the consequence. I am eternally grateful to Neema and Sweet Sue who stayed with me every step of the way, no doubt going through this cycle again...and again.
And now I want to pay what I know, forward.
Believe it, it is not easy on other side. We often are conditioned to continually root for love and give a person second chances, third chances and to believe in the ability of an ex to change. Why? Because in some cases exes have. In my experience and in many of my other friends' experiences including the Mister's...this is incredibly rare. This is like being able to capture a Legendary Pokemon on your own. It is not impossible I am sure, but unless you have a hack or are just a beast...it is not very likely to happen that an ex is going to become a permanent SO.
I know what it is like to get back together with an ex who seemingly offers you everything on the table again: the promise of a renewed relationship, the promise of starting over, the promise of better times and even the promise of reform - that they have reformed themselves and are "a new man." Every single time there was hope and every single time I believed them. But no matter how wonderful it was, the attentiveness and fun times at some point, the ex always shows their hand. Whatever was keeping us apart came right back up again.
Exes are exes for a reason.
And there was very good reason that things were just not going to work, ever. I am so happy that I realized that I would be okay without my ex forever.
It is only natural from personal experience as a participant and a witness, I am very skeptical and wary of my friends' SOs who are repeated offenders against my friends' health and happiness. In the short term, I may be a royal annoyance and worse yet, a disappointment to you. I may not ever approve of your partner that you hurt again and again, but I will always be loyal to you. I am not obstinate because I don't care, it's because I do.
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| I am the witch... |
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